Thanks for NOTHING!

Had an appointment today with a nutritionist because I have been having blood sugar issues. Apart from spending $400 on a blood test, the only real thing she said was try cutting out the protein bars and replacing them. OK, sounds good what should I replace them with? High protein foods, she says and starts typing out a list. Which is all fine and dandy till I see that yes everything on her stupid list is high in protein but also is loaded with fat!!! HELLO LADY!! Did you not hear me when I said I hadgastric bypass? That means I don't want to be fat anymore!!!  I say as calm as possible, all of those foods are high in fat, I am trying to lose weight I don't want to regain more than I have already. She says, she understands, but with my exercising these amount of calories should maintain my current weight. Sooo obviously you don't understand and your hard of hearing cause I didn't say I wanted to MAINTAIN my weight I said I needed to lose weight because I have already regained!!!  She then adds how I've lost so much weight already like it's OK if I gain some. WELL IT'S NOT!!! And if one more person says to me that it is I am going to SCREAM! Just because I am 145lb. lighter doesn't make it OK to eat things that are going to make me gain weight. It's not OK with me if I weight 200lb just cause it's less than what I weighted before!! WHY is this concept so hard for people to understand!!!!

So fine Lady print your little list give it to me, and  I will go home and figure it out my damn self!!!

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Weak, afraid, unworthy, quitter, fat, unintelligent,  and lazy, these are just a few of the words I would use to describe myself on days like today. More times than not I am a positive person who works hard at bettering herself and those around her, but today is not one of those days.

Today I woke up in a mood.

I got up at 6:30am, ate my protein bar, drank my tea, and got ready for my run. None of which I wanted to do. I shuffled through my ipod trying to find the perfect song to get me out of my funk, but nothing seemed to work. I settled on the new Maroon 5 album as I walked up to the little work out room we have here at the apartments. I have still been running which I still love!  I have just decided to do it on the treadmill so its easier to keep track off time, distance and most importantlycalorie count!

I began my routine as always with a 5 min warm up and then started my first 15 minute jog. After only about 3 min I was winded and tired and seriously annoyed with myself. "What the hell?," I thought to myself. I ran yesterday and the day before with NO issues. "Stop being lazy and get your ass in gear", was my next thought to myself. That little pep talk went nowhere. I tired to run a few more times and failed miserably. Determined to not be lazy and a quitter I upped the incline and walked for an hour. I didn't burn nearly the calories I set out to and mood continued down hill.

As I walked back to my apartment I was thinking about what I was going to eat and not eat today because I didn't work off the calories I had planned because I didn't work hard enough. Everyday, I deal with this. Most days I can handle, others like today its gets to me. I stress over what to eat and what not to eat, how many calories each and everything little thing I put in my mouth has. It's part of what I call my "fat girl complex", I will devote a whole blog to this in the near future. In the short 3 minute walk it took me to get home I was an emotional mess. I lashed out at everyone I was around. I was upset with myself and was hell bent on taking it out on anyone around me, by 10am I was back in bed in tears, and feeling like the biggest failure. 

It's hard for me to talk about my emotions especially ones to do with how I see myself. Sure ask me what I think of something on the news, or even what I think of you and I have no problems giving my opinion. It's a whole other story when it comes to looking at myself. I am so afraid to fail that I kick myself HARD for the littlest of things. What is it that I am afraid to fail at you ask? Well, 100's of things but mostly of regaining my weight. 2 out of every 3 people who have had gastric bypass regain their weight plus more. I refuse to be one of them. Tomorrow, (7/27) will be 2 years that I had my surgery and although I have lost nearly half of my original  body weight I am still not where I need to be.  I believe that fact is what started my whole mood. After a short cry and long nap I woke up and focused on being in a better place. I apologized to those I lashed out at and did my best to work through my craziness. I even decided to attend a support group for weight loss surgery patients, but unfortunately is was canceled. In an earlier blog I wrote that there was nothing easy about this process, I guess that is something I myself need to remember.

 PS

Please don't get my wrong I am extremely proud and happy with the work that I have done and how far I have come. 

Run, Mary run!!

I have been working out regularly for a little over 2 years now. It's something I really do enjoy, but recently I have started to get bored. . So about 2 weeks ago I decided I was seriously going to start running. I have tried this from time to time at the gym on the treadmill, but I am still battling what I call "my fat girl' complex and I was afraid people would stare at me. With this in mind I headed to Chambers Bay, a beautiful golf course on the water surrounded by trails and paths for walking and running.  I felt much more comfortable here and started my running plan.

First off you have to know the outside path at Chambers Bay is about 3 miles around with 2 major hills. So my plan was to park near one hill walk half way around to the other hill, run down the hill, come back up the hill and walk back to the car. The first day of this I just new I was going to die!! I couldn't breath, my nose was running, and I am pretty sure my thighs had actually turned to jello, but once I got through all that I felt wonderful!! I wanted to do it again and again. After the first week I increased my running, walk to the hill, run down the hill, walk back up the hill and repeat. So far so good at this point!  No vomiting yet!

This Thursday will be week 3 and I am feeling strong enough to increase my running to up and down the hill 3 time before heading to the car. Wish me luck!!

Ready for my run!

Half way up the hill @ Chambers Bay

Just a side note, I only misspelled two words in this post!! YAY ME! ;0)

And in this corner weighing in at 314lb. . .

It was February 10,2010 I was sitting in my doctors office on the Verge of tears. The nurse had just weighed me and I couldn'tbelieve what it said, 314lb!! That's a lot for anyone to weigh, but on my 5'3" inch frame is was a major health hazard. During this doctor appointment I was put on high blood pressure medication and was signed up for mandatory blood pressure classes once a month. I left there knowing I had no other choice I had to loose weight!

Having no luck with diets or weight loss before I wasn't sure on how to go about it this time. I had entertained the idea of weight loss surgery but like most people I didn't know that much about it and what I did know I was judgmental of. I knew friends that had done it and with good and bad results. I decided to talk to my doctor about it and just see what it was all about. After attending a 5 hour class and meeting with a surgeon I decided that this was the route for me!

Although this decision was the best for me I was afraid to tell people. I was afraid they would judge me and feel I was just taking the easy way out, (trust me there is nothing easy about this and those of you who have been through it know). There are friends and family that may be reading this now and  will be finding out for the very first time that, yes I had gastric bypass surgery.

In order to have the surgery there were many things I had to do first. One was start a 1200 calorie diet, start an exercise routine, meet with a nutritionist a psychologist and get to my goal weight set by my surgeon of 275lb, before a date would even be scheduled. 

Those of you who know me know that once I make my mind up about something there is little or nothing that will get in my way! With the support of very good friends and my close family I knew there was no stopping me. I followed my diet to the T, I went to the gym atleast 5 times a week and

 in late May my goal was reached and a date was set. On July 27th weighing in at 257lb I had my surgery and the real journey began and continues even today nearly 2 years later and 157lb lighter.

This was taken at my sisters wedding in 2009.

Who I am and what you will get!

So, my very best friend has been blogging a very long time. She is always telling me I should blog. So finally after years and hearing this I have decided  to give it a whirl!
What you will need to know before you start reading :
1)I am a HORRIBLE speller!
2)I have total random thoughts in the middle of other thoughts
3) I LOVE to bake
4) I LOVE music
5) I recently got married
6) I am going back to college in September.
7) I think I am funnier than I actually am.
8) I have struggled with weight my whole life
9) I hate my current job
10)Family is always  #1!

First random thought, it sort of feels like I am typing an ad to on Match.com  right now, "Please like and pick my blog, LOL."