Weak, afraid, unworthy, quitter, fat, unintelligent, and lazy, these are just a few of the words I would use to describe myself on days like today. More times than not I am a positive person who works hard at bettering herself and those around her, but today is not one of those days.
Today I woke up in a mood.
I got up at 6:30am, ate my protein bar, drank my tea, and got ready for my run. None of which I wanted to do. I shuffled through my ipod trying to find the perfect song to get me out of my funk, but nothing seemed to work. I settled on the new Maroon 5 album as I walked up to the little work out room we have here at the apartments. I have still been running which I still love! I have just decided to do it on the treadmill so its easier to keep track off time, distance and most importantlycalorie count!
I began my routine as always with a 5 min warm up and then started my first 15 minute jog. After only about 3 min I was winded and tired and seriously annoyed with myself. "What the hell?," I thought to myself. I ran yesterday and the day before with NO issues. "Stop being lazy and get your ass in gear", was my next thought to myself. That little pep talk went nowhere. I tired to run a few more times and failed miserably. Determined to not be lazy and a quitter I upped the incline and walked for an hour. I didn't burn nearly the calories I set out to and mood continued down hill.
As I walked back to my apartment I was thinking about what I was going to eat and not eat today because I didn't work off the calories I had planned because I didn't work hard enough. Everyday, I deal with this. Most days I can handle, others like today its gets to me. I stress over what to eat and what not to eat, how many calories each and everything little thing I put in my mouth has. It's part of what I call my "fat girl complex", I will devote a whole blog to this in the near future. In the short 3 minute walk it took me to get home I was an emotional mess. I lashed out at everyone I was around. I was upset with myself and was hell bent on taking it out on anyone around me, by 10am I was back in bed in tears, and feeling like the biggest failure.
It's hard for me to talk about my emotions especially ones to do with how I see myself. Sure ask me what I think of something on the news, or even what I think of you and I have no problems giving my opinion. It's a whole other story when it comes to looking at myself. I am so afraid to fail that I kick myself HARD for the littlest of things. What is it that I am afraid to fail at you ask? Well, 100's of things but mostly of regaining my weight. 2 out of every 3 people who have had gastric bypass regain their weight plus more. I refuse to be one of them. Tomorrow, (7/27) will be 2 years that I had my surgery and although I have lost nearly half of my original body weight I am still not where I need to be. I believe that fact is what started my whole mood. After a short cry and long nap I woke up and focused on being in a better place. I apologized to those I lashed out at and did my best to work through my craziness. I even decided to attend a support group for weight loss surgery patients, but unfortunately is was canceled. In an earlier blog I wrote that there was nothing easy about this process, I guess that is something I myself need to remember.
PS
Please don't get my wrong I am extremely proud and happy with the work that I have done and how far I have come.
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